Thursday, 30 August 2012


There have been some recent questions about autographs: Let me give you the low-down.
     I will give autographs on any the following conditions:
1: You have to ask politely
2: You have to be one of my supporters (Eg. Donors to my war)
3: You have to be awesome
4: You have to answer correctly a question I ask you about my page
5: You have to be willing to recieve a roundhouse kick to the face if I feel like doing that
6: You are an awesome celebrity (like Chuck Norris or someone equivalent)
7: You have to provide me with something to write with and/or on (unless of course you want me carving my name into your flesh)

     I will not give autographs on the following conditions:
1: You are a zombie (you will also be "removed" from this plane of existance)
2: You are an asshole (or if I decide you are an asshole at that very moment)
3: You are Mr. Sharp
4: You are a zombie sympathizer or Mr. Sharp sympathizer
5: You have just woken me up
6: You look like you are from the cast of jersey shore
7: You refuse to let me kick you in the face
8: You disagree that Whiskey is awesome

     I hope that this has made your life easier, it has certainly made my refusal to provide an explanation that much better for me. If you have any questions, ask them via comment and if you are lucky you will recieve some sort of answer via however the hell I feel like replying.
     That is all, and don't forget to support my war on Zombies.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Zombie Walk

      As many of you know, today (August 18 2012) was the annual zombie walk.  This is essentially my least favourite day of the year. Why you might ask? Simple: I get paid to get rid of zombies. I can't stand them in fact I hate them so much that I went down to the zombie walk for free!
     If you have been checking my blog recently, you will see that since I was hung over, I went under cover.  I hadn't even arrived yet and had already killed 3 zombies.
     I arrived at the art gallery in Vancouver to find the place over run, so I waited on the sidelines (you can see from the following 2 photos)

The walk started, so naturally I followed. The first block I killed only 2 (I did not want any extra attention) By this point, already at 5 kills for the day, I say a bus load of tourists getting attacked, I "resolved the situation" for them, and continued walking (Pic below)

I killed another few (I think 7, but don't quote me on that) when I saw this guy. Not sure if he was a zombie or just high, so I "Took care of him" anyway. You can't be too careful.

I came across this one eating a hand, and removed his head.

I then dealt with these two quite nicely, they made a little bit of a mess tho

I arrived at the park to find this soldier who had already turned, I dealt with this situation when this asshole with the baseball bat took the credit (I am not actually that upset... amd he won't be talking to anyone ever again)

I found a crawler trying to bite ankles, so I dealt with him (190lbs of me jumbing onto a zombie skull off a sign post causes a lot of damage )

I was then getting ready to go home when all of the sudden "Holy Shit! It's Snow Fu*king White" too bad she was already a zombie. I did not have any weapons left, so I punched this one's skull into many pieces.

After killing 20 (or so) zombies, I decided to go home. I am now sitting here in my underwear icing my poor knuckles. It was a good day :)

If you see yourself and do not want your face shown, comment on the photo and you will be removed.


Today is the day of the zombie walk in my city. I am very hung over today, and nobody is paying me to be there. Aside from a few die-hard fans and a lot of zombies, nobody is going to miss me today if I skip out.
The joke is on them. I will be there under cover, check back later for photos from today.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Melee Weapons

"But Feltern, what do you use if you run out of bullets/get swarmed" is a very common question I keep hearing. Lucky for you today I will answer it.
     For close combat, I have a few weapons I like to use, I will not tell you all of them (this is a business afterall and I would be pretty crazy to tell you all my secrets) but the three I have added here should give you an idea of what is going on.
     First I have what I refer to as my "Shovel from hell". It is a 12lb steel shovel that is essentially part battle axe, and part spear. This might not sound heavy, but I doubt many of you could swing it more than a few times. This item is extremely effective for decapitating (if you look closely at the sides of the head, you might notice they are sharpened) aswell as crushing skulls. I am quite happy with it, and I had it specially made for myself.

     Next is my hatchet. Hatchets are kind of standard zombie removal weapons, but what most people do not know is just how dangerous they are. Not only are they dangerous for the dead, using one without the proper training could be extremely dangerous for the living. The problem with hatchets is that they take a bit to remove a head, and are likely to get stuck in a skull.

     Finally I have my trusty "Hunting" knife (actually it was designed for the millitary as a fighting knife). It is a fixed blade with a full tang (as in the blade and handle are made of the same piece of steel) the blade is extremely sharp, as I like to keep it that way. Not to mention the blade is 7 inches long.  Now I am not suggesting this as an effective zombie killing tool, as with the hatchet the blade could get stuck in the skull.  The knife is mostly for cutting and slashing, but will handle being jammed into a skull if needed.

Enjoy the photos/info, but remember not to try this at home.