Saturday, 24 November 2012

Ok... Seriously,,,

To be honest, I do love when you call me for actual issues... Tonight was my day off.  Day off means leave me the hell alone.  Day off meansI am likely drinking heavily, and not wanting to deal with goddamn sasquatch sightings on Granville.  If you see something on my day off, either pay me lots of money or fuck off.  On a somewhat positive note, I did manage to prevent a possible date rape on a sweet, innocent Korean Exchange student (who for some reason had no idea who I am).  I hope you have learned your lesson, make sure everyone knows who I am, and make sure I do not need to do a fake Irish accent to get rid of creepy drunk guys.  I am waiting for my $1500...

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Zombie Sympathizers

Because I have been complaining about them for a while, I figured I would give you a bit of info about those zombie sympathizers.  Vancouver has a large group of PC morons who seem to think we should all feel sorry for these "poor" zombies.  This is completely ridiculous!  No matter how much damage is done by zombies or how many I am called to get rid of, we are expected to feel bad for them.  Makes no sense to anyone with common sense....  The worst part about these idiotic zombie sympathizers? I mean aside from hiring hitmen to try and kill me... Their idiot leader Mr. Sharp.  This narcisistic moron even has a facebook page... Pathetic!  We need to put an end to these idiotic zombie sympathizer groups, and we need to do it soon!

Friday, 9 November 2012

No longer TOP SECRET

Sorry about the lack of updates as of late, I have had a couple things I have been working on... Specifically the Zombie Sympathizers have been at it again... I haven't heard from their leader Mr. Sharp lately, but I can only assume he is still around.  Turns out the price that they have on my head has increased, so much so that there have been some interesting types after me.  Now I am going to interrupt your thoughts and remind everyone that this is a very bad idea, unless of course you have a death wish.  Back on topic, there have been 2 ninjas following me.  Everyone knows how difficult it is to tell when there are ninjas about, that is for most normal people... Not that I am normal.
Now what has happened to me is a couple days ago, one of them attacked me as I was getting into my car. Bad idea! He punched me in the chest about a dozen times, when I got him by the throat.  My iron grip around his throat, I jammed my 7 Inch fighting knife into his skull.  He will never be seen again (not that many people saw him in the first place)
Later that day, the other ninja showed up, he surrendered himself apologizing to me.  I let him explain that Mr. Sharp and the zombie sympathizers had hired the two of them, so I decided that today I would let him live.  He will have my name scarred in his chest for the rest of his life, and he even thanked me for my generosity.  Feltern 2, Ninjas 0

This is a reminder to Mr. Sharp and his merry band of assholes who sympathize with zombies: Don't get in my way, and I might just let you live.
Also to the second ninja: You are welcome for the awesome scar, it will look extremely badass when it finally heals, feel free to tell people about how I let you live.