Saturday, 24 December 2011

Vancouver Police

Aaand As usual, I have nothing but great things to say about the Vancouver Police Department. I came accross a fight between some drunken idiot, and Santa. Naturally I did step in, but as neither of them happen to be zombies, all I could do was stop the fight until the Police arrived.
I am quite impressed with the way that the the police handled the situation, and I look forward to working with them again in the future.
Merry Christmas (or whatever other holiday you choose to or not to celebrate)
Good night all, you will hear more about the holiday insanity soon (lots more)

Sunday, 18 December 2011


I got some hate mail today. Seems someone (who shall remain nameless) has decided to attempt to copy what I do. He was bitten, now I have to "remove" this idiot from existance. Now the main issue here is: DO NOT TRY WHAT I DO AT HOME (or anywhere else for that matter) unless accompanied by a certified Zombie Removal Specialist such as Myself. Moreover do not even look at this site, it is offensive (although in this day and age, I don't know what is not offensive to at least someone)
By accessing this page you waive any rights to annoy the hell out of me, sue me or any of my associates for anything at all, or do anything else rediculous.
Remember that Zombies are no laughing matter, they are hazardous to your health, annoying, smell bad and are not cheap to deal with.
Lastly, have a sende of humour and don't forget how awesome I am.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011


I regret to inform everyone that the catch and relocate program set out by our provincial government concerning gnomes has been a failure. More work is needed, but expect to see a proactive euthanasia program on the books very soon.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Old stuff

Here are some of the older photos I have
Figured I would share them with you again

Found this at a magazine stand in Downtown Vancouver

Dealing with a Zombie Sympathizer

Not even sure what to say...

You're welcome

Friday, 25 November 2011

Sad day

Today is a sad day. my good friend Russel was killed last night by a zombie (don't worry, he won't be passing the infection onto anyone) I will be very upset for the next while, but I am not cancelling tomorrow's try outs. To honour Russel, I have posted photos of my "removal" of this zombie.  Russel, we will miss you.

 Remember kids, I am a professional. A very pissed off professional. Never ever touch a zombie

I guess you could say that problem was "removed"

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Try outs!

Great news everyone. You have been begging and pleading for it, and now it gets to happen. You now have a chance to join Feltern's Zombie Removal. I will be hosting costume try outs (we can call it phase one) on Saturday night at Club 23 west (23 west Cordova in Vancouver) starting after midnight. They are having their annual military fetish night. If you have any questions, leave them in the comments. Thanks
This will be what I consider phase one of the try outs. If you are selected, you will be invited to phase two. I will post information on phase two at a later date.
Thanks everyone, and Good Luck!

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel...

As the title says, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel right now. I have been asked to entertain at a kid's birthday. 5year old Connor (not his real name) has been begging his parents to get me to his birthday. I have no idea what a 5 yearold is doing looking at my site in the first place, and it will be a difficult decision as to whether I will attend. Please do not let your children look at my

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Mr. Sharp fight

As promised, Mr. Sharp and I had our fight.
The fight itself lasted less than a minute. I arrived to have him call himself my "Arch Nemisis" once I had removed his weapon from him, he begged my forgiveness, all I could say to him way "you want to be my arch nemisis? you'll have to do a hell of a lot better than that."
After that, I removed him from existance.

 Just sitting there when I arrived

 Who brings a knife to a gun fight?

 Begging me to forget about his death threats against me

I had to censor this one for some of our more sensitive viewers
I probably should have censored this one... too late, use your imagination
Let this be a reminder to anyone else who has a problem with me getting rid of zombies

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

pain in the ass zombie

There was a particularly nasty zombie in the downtown area, it always seemed to be one step ahead of me terrorizing men, women and children, anybody and everybody was fair game to this awful creature. Well, not anymore! Too bad for that disgusting creature, we no longer have to worry. Sorry to every one of its victims, but I am only one man.
Please keep reporting outbreaks to me, e-mail them to, I get the e-mails almost instantly, and can be in the area in as little as a few minutes. Thanks Jenny G for the information leading to tonight's removal

Rain is the bane of my existance... Also zombies are

looks like today's patrols are going to be anything but fun. The rain is awful, and really gets my outfit soaked. I guess it's all in a day's work to keep this city safe. I am still going to fight the moron who calls himself "Mr. Sharp" tonight... I hope he has some level of skill, I don't want it to be too easy...
I've now got to sign off, I will keep everyone posted if anything overly exciting happens.
Good luck everyone, and don't get bitten!

The official Feltern's Zombie Removal vehicle

As was promised, I will continue to post updates on the rebuild. As of right now, I am still in the teardown phase. I will be recieving the first parts that I need very soon, and will continue to keep everyone posted on the progress.

I made it!

After dozens of requests from my many fans, I can finally say that I am blogging my daily activities

Keep checking back here for updates, aswell as a list of my recent work.