As many of you know, I recently had an interview with the press. Here is my interview with Cameron Hansen (name changed and newspaper with-held)
I did add a bit of info at the end just to clarify things for you, but this is the interview.
Cameron Hansen: Today I am finally getting to interview Vancouver's favourite zombie hunter (or least favourite, depending on who you are.) You all know him as Feltern the zombie removal specialist. Now Feltern, we have a lot of questions for you today. Let me get started with something we all want to know: Why zombie removal? Do you actually remove anything?
Feltern: Now that's a funny story Cam, I do not normally "remove" anything from the site, I leave that upto the client. I simply went with the term "Zombie Removal" because it sounds a lot better than "Zombie Hunter" or "Zombie Killer". This is all about marketing, in order to target the customer better, (pardon the pun) you need to make yourself seem more likeable
Cameron Hansen: Thank you Feltern, now it seems you are aware of your reputation as being a little "difficult" to get along with?
Feltern: (Laughs) Yes, I know I am not exactly well liked, I get criticized for it on a regular basis. What those criticizing me don't seem to understand is that I just don't give a sh#t
Cameron Hansen: Well what do you do to try to change that negative image you have?
Feltern: I shoot them in the face.
Cameron Hansen: (At this point I am not sure if he is joking or not, as I can't see any expression from behind his gas mask) Moving on! How did you get started fighting zombies?
Feltern: Well Cam, that is a funny story, I guess it all started that day back in 2009, I love my job because no where else do I get to wear something this awesome, and look half this awesome.
Cameron Hansen: You didn't answer my question.
Feltern: And I am not going to.
Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Well to date, how many zombies have you re-killed?
Feltern: I like that, Re-Killed. I am stealing that from you Cam. To answer you I have killed "Officially" something along the lines of 300, but that is not including any of my "Discretionary" type of work. To be honest, I have dealt with or re-killed well over 1000. What can I say? I am awesome.
Cameron Hansen: Thank you for that Feltern, my source over at The Zombie World News has told me that you were contracted out to clean up a farm and way over-charged? Is that true?
Feltern: Yes, I remember that farm, that was earlier this year... To be completely honest I actually did him a favor.
Cameron Hansen: What do you mean that you did him a favor?
Feltern: Well I did quote him 4 days at $10K per day. The place was completely overrun. I busted my ass and cleaned up in 2 days, I even put my safety on the line to get it done that quickly. Hell, I got bitten 3 f##king times on that job. Cam, I will let you speak when I am done, do not ever try and interrupt me again. Now as a matter of fact I still saved him money by charging 3 days instead of the 4 I quoted him. I can do it that way if I want.
Cameron Hansen: I am confused, you said you were bitten 3 times?
Feltern: Yeah, of course. I have been bitten dozens of times. I have even been shot a few times too, but we won't go there...
Cameron Hansen: Wait? You have been bitten and shot?
Feltern: Well, this is a very dangerous job, don't even bother saying what you are about to say, I know you are about to ask how I am alive. The answer is simple, I wear armor. Say what you want, but I am not going to get into specifics because my recent antics have made me a target for the zombie sympathizers.
Cameron Hansen: Zombie sympathizers?
Feltern: Yeah, the group of morons you constantly see protesting all over the place whining about zombie rights "Waaaaaaaah! zombies were people too... waaaaaah...." You get the picture.
Cameron Hansen: How do you normally deal with the sympathizers?
Feltern: My lawyer told me not to talk about it....
Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Are you going to let me see your face?
Feltern: Get out. This interview is over.
Cameron Hansen: Thank you for your time, but this is my office.
There you have it, my interview with the famous Feltern. He is a very interesting fellow, and I do hope to be able to interview him again once I get out of the hospital. The lesson I have learned is that he has a very quick temper. I have 4 broken ribs from correcting him about his office being mine. At Feltern's request I apologize.
Now to my loyal fans: Don't worry, he will live. I very much enjoyed this interview and am glad you get to read it.- Feltern