Melee Weapons

"But Feltern, what do you use if you run out of bullets/get swarmed" is a very common question I keep hearing. Lucky for you today I will answer it.
     For close combat, I have a few weapons I like to use, I will not tell you all of them (this is a business afterall and I would be pretty crazy to tell you all my secrets) but the three I have added here should give you an idea of what is going on.
     First I have what I refer to as my "Shovel from hell". It is a 12lb steel shovel that is essentially part battle axe, and part spear. This might not sound heavy, but I doubt many of you could swing it more than a few times. This item is extremely effective for decapitating (if you look closely at the sides of the head, you might notice they are sharpened) aswell as crushing skulls. I am quite happy with it, and I had it specially made for myself.

     Next is my hatchet. Hatchets are kind of standard zombie removal weapons, but what most people do not know is just how dangerous they are. Not only are they dangerous for the dead, using one without the proper training could be extremely dangerous for the living. The problem with hatchets is that they take a bit to remove a head, and are likely to get stuck in a skull.

     Finally I have my trusty "Hunting" knife (actually it was designed for the millitary as a fighting knife). It is a fixed blade with a full tang (as in the blade and handle are made of the same piece of steel) the blade is extremely sharp, as I like to keep it that way. Not to mention the blade is 7 inches long.  Now I am not suggesting this as an effective zombie killing tool, as with the hatchet the blade could get stuck in the skull.  The knife is mostly for cutting and slashing, but will handle being jammed into a skull if needed.

Enjoy the photos/info, but remember not to try this at home.

Vroom Vroom

Great News! The Official Feltern's Zombie Removal Mobile (or you can just call it "The Feltern Mobile")  is ready ro go. I do still need to install some upgrades, but it is fast and has a big trunk. Awesome.

And of course I have to show off the interrior, tho it is not yet complete.

F***ING WASPS

Last week I got a call to remove some zombies from a property in a community
I arrived expecting to see the 4 zombies I was told about. There were no zombies, only wasps.

FOR THE LAST TIME I DO NOT DEAL WITH WASPS. I deal with zombies and the odd gnome. Do not start expecting me to get rid of your general pests. I charge 10X as much and only after the fact.

At least there are photos this time.

That's right, I used a cane and a gun to kill wasps. Problem?

Let's just say that the property owner will not be calling me again. She was very unhappy with me for charging her extra, maybe she should have been honest with me first.

The North

Well, as some of you might already know that I have been asked to clear out a small town of their zombie problem. As I happen to value my customer's discretion, I have not taken any photos (To protect this small community's privacy.) So for all my loyal fans, here is an artist's depiction of me killing zombies in this small northern community.
Enjoy

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

This has been a difficult few weeks for me. First we have some guy eating another guy's face in the US, next we have this Zombie walk coming to Vanvouver. I am not impressed.
I work my ass off, but I have standards. On one hand, I want to be paid, and the other hand: a shit ton of Zombies. I will have to attend, this is very upsetting to me, but I guess I have to do what I have to do...
Don't bother looking for me there tho, there's a good chance I will be undercover (Got into some trouble a while back because of my "Antics" and would rather not have any more issues)
So on that note, here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/events/268230029856866/
I am not impressed, but there is work that needs to be done. Maybe I get to try out my new "Toy"
(Stay tuned for photos of my new toy)

Also, I elected myself camp president. This is what it would look like if you were here with me.


You're welcome un-nameable camp

Camp

As some of you may already know... I have been in a work camp for the last while. Now because my client has remained anonymous, I have to make sure that I do not specify certain details: For example, it is a work camp; this could mean mining, forestry, etc. I will also not say where I am; I am somewhere far from Vancouver, but still in North America.
The reason I am writing this, is that I have no clue why I am up here (tho the money is very good) There are no zombies, no gnomes, and I haven't heard from that asshole Mr. Sharp for a while now. Basically all I have been doing while up here, is sitting on my ass, eating, and going to the gym (Can't lose my physique)
I have just recieved a new task for the rest of the week. Some asshole stole a drawer. I haven't a clue why anyone would bother stealing a drawer, but I guess if it's not bolted down...
Keep checking back for more, I won't be here forever.