Interview with the press. Read the interview here

          As many of you know, I recently had an interview with the press. Here is my interview with Cameron Hansen (name changed and newspaper with-held)
I did add a bit of info at the end just to clarify things for you, but this is the interview.

Cameron Hansen: Today I am finally getting to interview Vancouver's favourite zombie hunter (or least favourite, depending on who you are.)  You all know him as Feltern the zombie removal specialist.  Now Feltern, we have a lot of questions for you today.  Let me get started with something we all want to know: Why zombie removal? Do you actually remove anything?

Feltern: Now that's a funny story Cam, I do not normally "remove" anything from the site, I leave that upto the client. I simply went with the term "Zombie Removal" because it sounds a lot better than "Zombie Hunter" or "Zombie Killer".  This is all about marketing, in order to target the customer better, (pardon the pun) you need to make yourself seem more likeable

Cameron Hansen: Thank you Feltern, now it seems you are aware of your reputation as being a little "difficult" to get along with?

Feltern: (Laughs) Yes, I know I am not exactly well liked, I get criticized for it on a regular basis. What those criticizing me don't seem to understand is that I just don't give a sh#t

Cameron Hansen: Well what do you do to try to change that negative image you have?

Feltern: I shoot them in the face.

Cameron Hansen: (At this point I am not sure if he is joking or not, as I can't see any expression from behind his gas mask) Moving on!  How did you get started fighting zombies?

Feltern: Well Cam, that is a funny story, I guess it all started that day back in 2009, I love my job because no where else do I get to wear something this awesome, and look half this awesome.

Cameron Hansen: You didn't answer my question.

Feltern: And I am not going to.

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Well to date, how many zombies have you re-killed?

Feltern: I like that, Re-Killed. I am stealing that from you Cam. To answer you I have killed "Officially" something along the lines of 300, but that is not including any of my "Discretionary" type of work. To be honest, I have dealt with or re-killed well over 1000. What can I say? I am awesome.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for that Feltern, my source over at The Zombie World News has told me that you were contracted out to clean up a farm and way over-charged? Is that true?

Feltern: Yes, I remember that farm, that was earlier this year... To be completely honest I actually did him a favor.

Cameron Hansen: What do you mean that you did him a favor?

Feltern: Well I did quote him 4 days at $10K per day. The place was completely overrun. I busted my ass and cleaned up in 2 days, I even put my safety on the line to get it done that quickly. Hell, I got bitten 3 f##king times on that job. Cam, I will let you speak when I am done, do not ever try and interrupt me again. Now as a matter of fact I still saved him money by charging 3 days instead of the 4 I quoted him. I can do it that way if I want.

Cameron Hansen: I am confused, you said you were bitten 3 times?

Feltern: Yeah, of course. I have been bitten dozens of times. I have even been shot a few times too, but we won't go there...

Cameron Hansen: Wait? You have been bitten and shot?

Feltern: Well, this is a very dangerous job, don't even bother saying what you are about to say, I know you are about to ask how I am alive.  The answer is simple, I wear armor.  Say what you want, but I am not going to get into specifics because my recent antics have made me a target for the zombie sympathizers.

Cameron Hansen: Zombie sympathizers?

Feltern: Yeah, the group of morons you constantly see protesting all over the place whining about zombie rights "Waaaaaaaah! zombies were people too... waaaaaah...." You get the picture.

Cameron Hansen: How do you normally deal with the sympathizers?

Feltern: My lawyer told me not to talk about it....

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Are you going to let me see your face?

Feltern: Get out. This interview is over.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for your time, but this is my office.

    There you have it, my interview with the famous Feltern.  He is a very interesting fellow, and I do hope to be able to interview him again once I get out of the hospital.  The lesson I have learned is that he has a very quick temper. I have 4 broken ribs from correcting him about his office being mine.  At Feltern's request I apologize.

Now to my loyal fans: Don't worry, he will live. I very much enjoyed this interview and am glad you get to read it.- Feltern

Interview with the press

great news, I had an interview with a local newspaper today. check back to read it

Autographs

There have been some recent questions about autographs: Let me give you the low-down.
     I will give autographs on any the following conditions:
1: You have to ask politely
2: You have to be one of my supporters (Eg. Donors to my war)
3: You have to be awesome
4: You have to answer correctly a question I ask you about my page
5: You have to be willing to recieve a roundhouse kick to the face if I feel like doing that
6: You are an awesome celebrity (like Chuck Norris or someone equivalent)
7: You have to provide me with something to write with and/or on (unless of course you want me carving my name into your flesh)

     I will not give autographs on the following conditions:
1: You are a zombie (you will also be "removed" from this plane of existance)
2: You are an asshole (or if I decide you are an asshole at that very moment)
3: You are Mr. Sharp
4: You are a zombie sympathizer or Mr. Sharp sympathizer
5: You have just woken me up
6: You look like you are from the cast of jersey shore
7: You refuse to let me kick you in the face
8: You disagree that Whiskey is awesome

     I hope that this has made your life easier, it has certainly made my refusal to provide an explanation that much better for me. If you have any questions, ask them via comment and if you are lucky you will recieve some sort of answer via however the hell I feel like replying.
     That is all, and don't forget to support my war on Zombies.

Zombie Walk

      As many of you know, today (August 18 2012) was the annual zombie walk.  This is essentially my least favourite day of the year. Why you might ask? Simple: I get paid to get rid of zombies. I can't stand them in fact I hate them so much that I went down to the zombie walk for free!
     If you have been checking my blog recently, you will see that since I was hung over, I went under cover.  I hadn't even arrived yet and had already killed 3 zombies.
     I arrived at the art gallery in Vancouver to find the place over run, so I waited on the sidelines (you can see from the following 2 photos)

The walk started, so naturally I followed. The first block I killed only 2 (I did not want any extra attention) By this point, already at 5 kills for the day, I say a bus load of tourists getting attacked, I "resolved the situation" for them, and continued walking (Pic below)

I killed another few (I think 7, but don't quote me on that) when I saw this guy. Not sure if he was a zombie or just high, so I "Took care of him" anyway. You can't be too careful.

I came across this one eating a hand, and removed his head.

I then dealt with these two quite nicely, they made a little bit of a mess tho

I arrived at the park to find this soldier who had already turned, I dealt with this situation when this asshole with the baseball bat took the credit (I am not actually that upset... amd he won't be talking to anyone ever again)

I found a crawler trying to bite ankles, so I dealt with him (190lbs of me jumbing onto a zombie skull off a sign post causes a lot of damage )

I was then getting ready to go home when all of the sudden "Holy Shit! It's Snow Fu*king White" too bad she was already a zombie. I did not have any weapons left, so I punched this one's skull into many pieces.

After killing 20 (or so) zombies, I decided to go home. I am now sitting here in my underwear icing my poor knuckles. It was a good day :)

If you see yourself and do not want your face shown, comment on the photo and you will be removed.

ZombieWalk

Today is the day of the zombie walk in my city. I am very hung over today, and nobody is paying me to be there. Aside from a few die-hard fans and a lot of zombies, nobody is going to miss me today if I skip out.
The joke is on them. I will be there under cover, check back later for photos from today.

Melee Weapons

"But Feltern, what do you use if you run out of bullets/get swarmed" is a very common question I keep hearing. Lucky for you today I will answer it.
     For close combat, I have a few weapons I like to use, I will not tell you all of them (this is a business afterall and I would be pretty crazy to tell you all my secrets) but the three I have added here should give you an idea of what is going on.
     First I have what I refer to as my "Shovel from hell". It is a 12lb steel shovel that is essentially part battle axe, and part spear. This might not sound heavy, but I doubt many of you could swing it more than a few times. This item is extremely effective for decapitating (if you look closely at the sides of the head, you might notice they are sharpened) aswell as crushing skulls. I am quite happy with it, and I had it specially made for myself.

     Next is my hatchet. Hatchets are kind of standard zombie removal weapons, but what most people do not know is just how dangerous they are. Not only are they dangerous for the dead, using one without the proper training could be extremely dangerous for the living. The problem with hatchets is that they take a bit to remove a head, and are likely to get stuck in a skull.

     Finally I have my trusty "Hunting" knife (actually it was designed for the millitary as a fighting knife). It is a fixed blade with a full tang (as in the blade and handle are made of the same piece of steel) the blade is extremely sharp, as I like to keep it that way. Not to mention the blade is 7 inches long.  Now I am not suggesting this as an effective zombie killing tool, as with the hatchet the blade could get stuck in the skull.  The knife is mostly for cutting and slashing, but will handle being jammed into a skull if needed.

Enjoy the photos/info, but remember not to try this at home.

Vroom Vroom

Great News! The Official Feltern's Zombie Removal Mobile (or you can just call it "The Feltern Mobile")  is ready ro go. I do still need to install some upgrades, but it is fast and has a big trunk. Awesome.

And of course I have to show off the interrior, tho it is not yet complete.