Success

I look at tonight as a success, I killed 11 zombies (3 oopses were people dressed as zombies, but they don't count)
Thankfully I got to listen to this song several times, and that made my night that much better
Gary Numan - The Fall
You are welcome for the overload on awesome

Halloween

Halloween is a scary time of the year for me.  Why do you ask? Because instead of the usual zombies and zombie sympathizers I need to worry about, now I have regular people dressed as zombies I need to worry about.  To be honest with everyone, I hate the zombies and the zombie sympathizers, but I have nothing against regular people dressing up.  Just remember that if you are at a party, or planning on going to a party not to dress as a zombie or zombie sympathizer.  I would much rather not kill someone who is just trying to have a good time.

My Secret Lair

Here is a rare once in a lifetime glimpse at my secret lair.  I had to hide my friend's face to protect her identity.  I can't have those asshole zombie sympathizers forcing her to lead them back.
Enjoy everyone, and yes jealousy is acceptable.

Yes, I did have a professional photographer aswell. His name is "Atratus" He is a man of integrity, good luck getting the location from him.

Interview with the press. Read the interview here

          As many of you know, I recently had an interview with the press. Here is my interview with Cameron Hansen (name changed and newspaper with-held)
I did add a bit of info at the end just to clarify things for you, but this is the interview.

Cameron Hansen: Today I am finally getting to interview Vancouver's favourite zombie hunter (or least favourite, depending on who you are.)  You all know him as Feltern the zombie removal specialist.  Now Feltern, we have a lot of questions for you today.  Let me get started with something we all want to know: Why zombie removal? Do you actually remove anything?

Feltern: Now that's a funny story Cam, I do not normally "remove" anything from the site, I leave that upto the client. I simply went with the term "Zombie Removal" because it sounds a lot better than "Zombie Hunter" or "Zombie Killer".  This is all about marketing, in order to target the customer better, (pardon the pun) you need to make yourself seem more likeable

Cameron Hansen: Thank you Feltern, now it seems you are aware of your reputation as being a little "difficult" to get along with?

Feltern: (Laughs) Yes, I know I am not exactly well liked, I get criticized for it on a regular basis. What those criticizing me don't seem to understand is that I just don't give a sh#t

Cameron Hansen: Well what do you do to try to change that negative image you have?

Feltern: I shoot them in the face.

Cameron Hansen: (At this point I am not sure if he is joking or not, as I can't see any expression from behind his gas mask) Moving on!  How did you get started fighting zombies?

Feltern: Well Cam, that is a funny story, I guess it all started that day back in 2009, I love my job because no where else do I get to wear something this awesome, and look half this awesome.

Cameron Hansen: You didn't answer my question.

Feltern: And I am not going to.

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Well to date, how many zombies have you re-killed?

Feltern: I like that, Re-Killed. I am stealing that from you Cam. To answer you I have killed "Officially" something along the lines of 300, but that is not including any of my "Discretionary" type of work. To be honest, I have dealt with or re-killed well over 1000. What can I say? I am awesome.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for that Feltern, my source over at The Zombie World News has told me that you were contracted out to clean up a farm and way over-charged? Is that true?

Feltern: Yes, I remember that farm, that was earlier this year... To be completely honest I actually did him a favor.

Cameron Hansen: What do you mean that you did him a favor?

Feltern: Well I did quote him 4 days at $10K per day. The place was completely overrun. I busted my ass and cleaned up in 2 days, I even put my safety on the line to get it done that quickly. Hell, I got bitten 3 f##king times on that job. Cam, I will let you speak when I am done, do not ever try and interrupt me again. Now as a matter of fact I still saved him money by charging 3 days instead of the 4 I quoted him. I can do it that way if I want.

Cameron Hansen: I am confused, you said you were bitten 3 times?

Feltern: Yeah, of course. I have been bitten dozens of times. I have even been shot a few times too, but we won't go there...

Cameron Hansen: Wait? You have been bitten and shot?

Feltern: Well, this is a very dangerous job, don't even bother saying what you are about to say, I know you are about to ask how I am alive.  The answer is simple, I wear armor.  Say what you want, but I am not going to get into specifics because my recent antics have made me a target for the zombie sympathizers.

Cameron Hansen: Zombie sympathizers?

Feltern: Yeah, the group of morons you constantly see protesting all over the place whining about zombie rights "Waaaaaaaah! zombies were people too... waaaaaah...." You get the picture.

Cameron Hansen: How do you normally deal with the sympathizers?

Feltern: My lawyer told me not to talk about it....

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Are you going to let me see your face?

Feltern: Get out. This interview is over.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for your time, but this is my office.

    There you have it, my interview with the famous Feltern.  He is a very interesting fellow, and I do hope to be able to interview him again once I get out of the hospital.  The lesson I have learned is that he has a very quick temper. I have 4 broken ribs from correcting him about his office being mine.  At Feltern's request I apologize.

Now to my loyal fans: Don't worry, he will live. I very much enjoyed this interview and am glad you get to read it.- Feltern

Interview with the press

great news, I had an interview with a local newspaper today. check back to read it

Autographs

There have been some recent questions about autographs: Let me give you the low-down.
     I will give autographs on any the following conditions:
1: You have to ask politely
2: You have to be one of my supporters (Eg. Donors to my war)
3: You have to be awesome
4: You have to answer correctly a question I ask you about my page
5: You have to be willing to recieve a roundhouse kick to the face if I feel like doing that
6: You are an awesome celebrity (like Chuck Norris or someone equivalent)
7: You have to provide me with something to write with and/or on (unless of course you want me carving my name into your flesh)

     I will not give autographs on the following conditions:
1: You are a zombie (you will also be "removed" from this plane of existance)
2: You are an asshole (or if I decide you are an asshole at that very moment)
3: You are Mr. Sharp
4: You are a zombie sympathizer or Mr. Sharp sympathizer
5: You have just woken me up
6: You look like you are from the cast of jersey shore
7: You refuse to let me kick you in the face
8: You disagree that Whiskey is awesome

     I hope that this has made your life easier, it has certainly made my refusal to provide an explanation that much better for me. If you have any questions, ask them via comment and if you are lucky you will recieve some sort of answer via however the hell I feel like replying.
     That is all, and don't forget to support my war on Zombies.

Zombie Walk

      As many of you know, today (August 18 2012) was the annual zombie walk.  This is essentially my least favourite day of the year. Why you might ask? Simple: I get paid to get rid of zombies. I can't stand them in fact I hate them so much that I went down to the zombie walk for free!
     If you have been checking my blog recently, you will see that since I was hung over, I went under cover.  I hadn't even arrived yet and had already killed 3 zombies.
     I arrived at the art gallery in Vancouver to find the place over run, so I waited on the sidelines (you can see from the following 2 photos)

The walk started, so naturally I followed. The first block I killed only 2 (I did not want any extra attention) By this point, already at 5 kills for the day, I say a bus load of tourists getting attacked, I "resolved the situation" for them, and continued walking (Pic below)

I killed another few (I think 7, but don't quote me on that) when I saw this guy. Not sure if he was a zombie or just high, so I "Took care of him" anyway. You can't be too careful.

I came across this one eating a hand, and removed his head.

I then dealt with these two quite nicely, they made a little bit of a mess tho

I arrived at the park to find this soldier who had already turned, I dealt with this situation when this asshole with the baseball bat took the credit (I am not actually that upset... amd he won't be talking to anyone ever again)

I found a crawler trying to bite ankles, so I dealt with him (190lbs of me jumbing onto a zombie skull off a sign post causes a lot of damage )

I was then getting ready to go home when all of the sudden "Holy Shit! It's Snow Fu*king White" too bad she was already a zombie. I did not have any weapons left, so I punched this one's skull into many pieces.

After killing 20 (or so) zombies, I decided to go home. I am now sitting here in my underwear icing my poor knuckles. It was a good day :)

If you see yourself and do not want your face shown, comment on the photo and you will be removed.