Ok... Seriously,,,

To be honest, I do love when you call me for actual issues... Tonight was my day off.  Day off means leave me the hell alone.  Day off meansI am likely drinking heavily, and not wanting to deal with goddamn sasquatch sightings on Granville.  If you see something on my day off, either pay me lots of money or fuck off.  On a somewhat positive note, I did manage to prevent a possible date rape on a sweet, innocent Korean Exchange student (who for some reason had no idea who I am).  I hope you have learned your lesson, make sure everyone knows who I am, and make sure I do not need to do a fake Irish accent to get rid of creepy drunk guys.  I am waiting for my $1500...

Zombie Sympathizers

Because I have been complaining about them for a while, I figured I would give you a bit of info about those zombie sympathizers.  Vancouver has a large group of PC morons who seem to think we should all feel sorry for these "poor" zombies.  This is completely ridiculous!  No matter how much damage is done by zombies or how many I am called to get rid of, we are expected to feel bad for them.  Makes no sense to anyone with common sense....  The worst part about these idiotic zombie sympathizers? I mean aside from hiring hitmen to try and kill me... Their idiot leader Mr. Sharp.  This narcisistic moron even has a facebook page... http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mr-Sharp/291780484189519 Pathetic!  We need to put an end to these idiotic zombie sympathizer groups, and we need to do it soon!

No longer TOP SECRET

Sorry about the lack of updates as of late, I have had a couple things I have been working on... Specifically the Zombie Sympathizers have been at it again... I haven't heard from their leader Mr. Sharp lately, but I can only assume he is still around.  Turns out the price that they have on my head has increased, so much so that there have been some interesting types after me.  Now I am going to interrupt your thoughts and remind everyone that this is a very bad idea, unless of course you have a death wish.  Back on topic, there have been 2 ninjas following me.  Everyone knows how difficult it is to tell when there are ninjas about, that is for most normal people... Not that I am normal.
Now what has happened to me is a couple days ago, one of them attacked me as I was getting into my car. Bad idea! He punched me in the chest about a dozen times, when I got him by the throat.  My iron grip around his throat, I jammed my 7 Inch fighting knife into his skull.  He will never be seen again (not that many people saw him in the first place)
Later that day, the other ninja showed up, he surrendered himself apologizing to me.  I let him explain that Mr. Sharp and the zombie sympathizers had hired the two of them, so I decided that today I would let him live.  He will have my name scarred in his chest for the rest of his life, and he even thanked me for my generosity.  Feltern 2, Ninjas 0

This is a reminder to Mr. Sharp and his merry band of assholes who sympathize with zombies: Don't get in my way, and I might just let you live.
Also to the second ninja: You are welcome for the awesome scar, it will look extremely badass when it finally heals, feel free to tell people about how I let you live.

Success

I look at tonight as a success, I killed 11 zombies (3 oopses were people dressed as zombies, but they don't count)
Thankfully I got to listen to this song several times, and that made my night that much better
Gary Numan - The Fall
You are welcome for the overload on awesome

Halloween

Halloween is a scary time of the year for me.  Why do you ask? Because instead of the usual zombies and zombie sympathizers I need to worry about, now I have regular people dressed as zombies I need to worry about.  To be honest with everyone, I hate the zombies and the zombie sympathizers, but I have nothing against regular people dressing up.  Just remember that if you are at a party, or planning on going to a party not to dress as a zombie or zombie sympathizer.  I would much rather not kill someone who is just trying to have a good time.

My Secret Lair

Here is a rare once in a lifetime glimpse at my secret lair.  I had to hide my friend's face to protect her identity.  I can't have those asshole zombie sympathizers forcing her to lead them back.
Enjoy everyone, and yes jealousy is acceptable.

Yes, I did have a professional photographer aswell. His name is "Atratus" He is a man of integrity, good luck getting the location from him.

Interview with the press. Read the interview here

          As many of you know, I recently had an interview with the press. Here is my interview with Cameron Hansen (name changed and newspaper with-held)
I did add a bit of info at the end just to clarify things for you, but this is the interview.

Cameron Hansen: Today I am finally getting to interview Vancouver's favourite zombie hunter (or least favourite, depending on who you are.)  You all know him as Feltern the zombie removal specialist.  Now Feltern, we have a lot of questions for you today.  Let me get started with something we all want to know: Why zombie removal? Do you actually remove anything?

Feltern: Now that's a funny story Cam, I do not normally "remove" anything from the site, I leave that upto the client. I simply went with the term "Zombie Removal" because it sounds a lot better than "Zombie Hunter" or "Zombie Killer".  This is all about marketing, in order to target the customer better, (pardon the pun) you need to make yourself seem more likeable

Cameron Hansen: Thank you Feltern, now it seems you are aware of your reputation as being a little "difficult" to get along with?

Feltern: (Laughs) Yes, I know I am not exactly well liked, I get criticized for it on a regular basis. What those criticizing me don't seem to understand is that I just don't give a sh#t

Cameron Hansen: Well what do you do to try to change that negative image you have?

Feltern: I shoot them in the face.

Cameron Hansen: (At this point I am not sure if he is joking or not, as I can't see any expression from behind his gas mask) Moving on!  How did you get started fighting zombies?

Feltern: Well Cam, that is a funny story, I guess it all started that day back in 2009, I love my job because no where else do I get to wear something this awesome, and look half this awesome.

Cameron Hansen: You didn't answer my question.

Feltern: And I am not going to.

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Well to date, how many zombies have you re-killed?

Feltern: I like that, Re-Killed. I am stealing that from you Cam. To answer you I have killed "Officially" something along the lines of 300, but that is not including any of my "Discretionary" type of work. To be honest, I have dealt with or re-killed well over 1000. What can I say? I am awesome.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for that Feltern, my source over at The Zombie World News has told me that you were contracted out to clean up a farm and way over-charged? Is that true?

Feltern: Yes, I remember that farm, that was earlier this year... To be completely honest I actually did him a favor.

Cameron Hansen: What do you mean that you did him a favor?

Feltern: Well I did quote him 4 days at $10K per day. The place was completely overrun. I busted my ass and cleaned up in 2 days, I even put my safety on the line to get it done that quickly. Hell, I got bitten 3 f##king times on that job. Cam, I will let you speak when I am done, do not ever try and interrupt me again. Now as a matter of fact I still saved him money by charging 3 days instead of the 4 I quoted him. I can do it that way if I want.

Cameron Hansen: I am confused, you said you were bitten 3 times?

Feltern: Yeah, of course. I have been bitten dozens of times. I have even been shot a few times too, but we won't go there...

Cameron Hansen: Wait? You have been bitten and shot?

Feltern: Well, this is a very dangerous job, don't even bother saying what you are about to say, I know you are about to ask how I am alive.  The answer is simple, I wear armor.  Say what you want, but I am not going to get into specifics because my recent antics have made me a target for the zombie sympathizers.

Cameron Hansen: Zombie sympathizers?

Feltern: Yeah, the group of morons you constantly see protesting all over the place whining about zombie rights "Waaaaaaaah! zombies were people too... waaaaaah...." You get the picture.

Cameron Hansen: How do you normally deal with the sympathizers?

Feltern: My lawyer told me not to talk about it....

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Are you going to let me see your face?

Feltern: Get out. This interview is over.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for your time, but this is my office.

    There you have it, my interview with the famous Feltern.  He is a very interesting fellow, and I do hope to be able to interview him again once I get out of the hospital.  The lesson I have learned is that he has a very quick temper. I have 4 broken ribs from correcting him about his office being mine.  At Feltern's request I apologize.

Now to my loyal fans: Don't worry, he will live. I very much enjoyed this interview and am glad you get to read it.- Feltern